“How’s your day going?”
You Might Also Like
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
#NeverForget
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
This January has 47 Mondays
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.