her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face