*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.