A family that plays together cheats.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
bought wrong eggs
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.