PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters