Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Steam Forums
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
You know…for fall…
March 16
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
found my next D&D character name
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
When you let grandma cat sit
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no