Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
the battle rages on
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes