a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
incredible
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads