Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*