“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
me and my fake scenarios
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.