“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.