My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The future is now.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Simple enough.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.