The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
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“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]