Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I love you…
…r dog.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no