“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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And then there were 4
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now