Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.