Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
What flavor cupcake are these
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.