One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
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[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…