friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Tough love is true love
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
When someone says you are so lazy
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.