“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
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My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
So that’s what we looked like?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
You can’t outrun your problems…
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating