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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”