Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
That’s fair
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
good for her
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.