me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Most fashion shows these days…
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler