Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
selena gomez
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
new wife guy just dropped
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*