I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.