do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”