I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
You Might Also Like
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder