Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You Might Also Like
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try