Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
What a chick magnet..
A dad and his duck
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.