I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached