Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done