Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
this is 10/10 content no notes
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’