[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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*checks Timeline*…
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
twitter is a journey
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins