Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.