Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.