I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.