Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Called it
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us