People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
🍞🦆
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.