A dad and his duck
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4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
this is literally a CIA plant
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*