There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”