Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My dad.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket