Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I鈥檇 like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what鈥檚 wrong with you
Life with a cat in one tweet
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how鈥檚 Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn鈥檛 as fun as it used to be.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it鈥檚 a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 馃様
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I really admire my daughter鈥檚 restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident