If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
You Might Also Like
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day