5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation