It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.