Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
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No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Ah yes. The three genders
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock