I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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this is so top tier i cant
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
me adding lol on a serious message
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Cats are still liquid.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Breaking news:
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”