If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Phonetics
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy