My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Merry Christmas
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.