[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
You Might Also Like
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My flabber has been gasted.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
incredible book dedication
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.